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Bear's Sickness
I have always had a problem when it comes to trusting people after that pesky bee made me drink smurf juice, and we all know that I'm allergic to smurf juice. Because of this, I now have permanent blue skin like a smurf, and I am forced to live in a swamp like Shrek. The only person who visits me is my caretaker and father figure John Claude who has ties to the Faustin Crime Family. Claude has looked after me ever since I became like this, and he is aided by his right-hand man Tennant James who smells like a pack of chewits. James also serves as Group Captain of the RAF. Tennant and Claude look after me to the best of their abilities, but I am often bullied by the local mob boss Johnny Hard Nuts and his lover Heir Dwyer. They run the Chinese Quarter, but they keep it to themselves. I should also mention that Johnny stinks. He smells like rotten meat, dirrahea, and sweaty socks mixed together in a bag underneath a house in Northwestern Medical School where the Rasta Master warned you to not go to until you've scrubbed all the dishes in Hyrule. Johnny and Dwyer always pick on me, and make fun of me because I look like a smurf. They even put a hit on me, but General Asquith was able to make them take the hit off after placing their hangout under martial law. Too bad that Asquith has gone weird now, and just farts violently instead of helping me with my problems. Despite my poor treatment, I do have a job. I work as a postman, and I am very bad at my job because I always get attacked in the streets by gangsters on the payroll of Granny Dryden. Dryden was backing Johnny and Dwyer, She did this because she is actually the sister of Gargomel the evil wizard who wants The Smurfs in his bed. Anyways, as a postman, I have delivered some pretty hot stuff like DVDs, video games, Blu Ray's, and rolling pins etc. However, one day, I had just gotten to the post office to get my packages for the day, when an angry man came into the post office holding a Bear In The Big Blue House DVD. My boss whose name is Mrs Goggins by the way was confused, and asked, "what's the matter?" The man who looked hard as hell yelled, "what's wrong!? What's fucking wrong!? This DVD is horribly horrible that's what wrong!" "What's the matter with it?" I asked confused, and this caused the man to look at me, and he said, "I ain't speaking to you Poppa Smurf! I demand a refund!" "Ha ha no!" Goggins yelled as she pressed a red button on her desk causing the man to fall through the floor as he was standing on top of a trap door. I took the DVD, and looked it over. The cover showed Bear in a bed with a blanket wrapped over him. He had a hot water bottle on his head, a thermometer in his mouth, and a small sick bowl by the sofa next to him. The DVD was just called 'Bear In The Big House: Bear's Sickness." I offered to take the DVD off Goggins hands, and she allowed me to take it home. I took it to my swamp, and I put the disc into the DVD player. Tennant James was not there, but Claude was there, and he asked if he could watch it with me. "Where did you it get from?" Claude asked confused. "Some angry dude came to the post office, and gave it us demanding a refund. What an idiot." I said as the DVD player had finally finished setting itself up. The DVD started with a brief clip which had The Shadow Reader staring at the screen. The screen was zoomed in too much, and I could see his nose hairs that's now close it was. Shadow then said, "to whoever's watching this DVD. Stop what you're doing before it's too late! He's back, and he's got you and your town under his thumb." The clip then ended abruptly, and it then showed another clip which had Rap Rat smoking cheese. In the background a male voice could be heard saying, "he's Rap Rat and he's the boss." again and again in an overly sexual tone. After six hours of more boring clips which made me hard like a motherducking race car, the episode finally started with the main theme song, but something was wrong. Bear was dressed in drag, and the person singing the theme sounded like Big Shaq. Also Luna the Moon was smoking weed. While the theme song played out, I noticed that Claude was filming it with his phone. I paused the episode briefly, and tried calling James. I pressed the phone to my ear, as it rang and rang but no one answered. I decided to continue watching the episode, but again that nagging worry. Where was Tennant James? Probably having another spicy session with his undercover lover who lives in the Yorkshire Hills. Suddenly a knock appeared at the door, and Claude got up to see who it was. Johnny and Dwyer soon came in asking for the money I owed them. I been gambling at Johnny's casino. Johnny owned a massive casino and hotel in London as he was planning to turn London into the next Las Vegas. When it was explained to Johnny that me and Claude were watching an episode of Bear In The Big Blue House. He and Dwyer for whatever reason wanted to watch it with us. "We don't want you here!" I yelled which caused Dwyer to hit me with a baseball bat. "Don't mess with me sweetheart. I used to sell cigars to The Shadow Reader in Hell's Kitchen." Dwyer warned as he and Johnny made themselves comfy on the sofa. Johnny forced me to make him and Dwyer cups of tea, and I made my way into the kitchen to make them. While making I was making them, I tried calling James again but this time he answered. "Hello?" James said in a gruff voice not at all like himself. "James we're watching..." I was cut off as James said, "a Bear In The Big Blue House DVD? It's called 'Bear's Sickness?' right?" James asked. I was confused as to how he knew all of this. "Yeah it is how did you...." I was cut off again as James said, "I gotta go mate got some work to do with my pals at the RAF." The phone call then ended, and I made my way into the living room giving Johnny and Dwyer their cups of tea. I sat on the sofa with them, and pressed play on the remote as the theme song ended. The episode then started with the name of the episode appearing on the screen as normal. The title read "Bear's Sickness," and the usual saucy music played in the background. The door opened, but Bear was not the one who opened it. The camera panned down to show that Tutter had been the one to open the door. "Hey there it's me Tutter! You're probably wondering where Bear is. Well unfortunately Bear isn't feeling very well, but you can still come in." Tutter said as he made his way inside the house with the camera following behind him. He made his way into the living room where Bear was lying on the sofa with a blanket thrown over him, he had a thermometer in his mouth, a hot water bottle on his head, and his skin was blue like mine. "Bear are you alright?" Tutter asked as he hopped up onto the sofa. "Tutter can you get me a glass of water?" Bear asked in a groggy voice. Tutter said "yes," and made his way into the kitchen to get it for him. Bear turned to face the screen, and said, "hey guys I'm not feeling too well so Tutter will be playing with you today." "NO I DON'T WANT THAT!" Mr Pumpkin said as he came in following behind him was Pip and Pop. "Where's Ojo and Trelo?" Bear asked which caused Pip to say, "they didn't want to speak to you right now. You look like a Smurf on crack." Bear then tried explaining that he was sick, but Pip and Pop were having none of it, and they forced Bear into going for a walk with them. During the walk, they made him drop and give them 20. "I need a minute." Bear said when some rough looking kids came up to him, and began beating the ever loving daylights of the poor defenceless animal. "Why are you doing this to me?" Bear had asked one of them. "We are here on the orders of Don Corleone himself." The kid explained as Vito Corleone appeared on the scene. "Don't want to do push ups ay? Well then you must paint my house." Vito said as he had the kids throw Bear into the trunk of his car. The episode then showed a brief clip which had Sylvester Stallone talking about a new movie he was planning on making. "Picture this... I play a low level street hoodlum who runs the local Crispy Sandwich Gang." It then Sylvester running his gang as they attempted to make the sandwiches. It then showed another clip which had an old man trying to make a cake, but he was so fucking terrible at it, and ended up spilling a whole bag of flour onto the cake mix making a huge fucking mess in the process. The episode came back to show Bear attempting to paint Don Corleone's house. Bear would occasionally attempt to tell the Don that he was sick, but the Don was having none of it, and would threaten to send Luca Brasi after him. "Hey what are you doing to Bear!? He's sick!" Tutter yelled as he appeared at the house, and Clemenza ate him. "Mm tastes like Shadow Lioness' homemade rat stew." Clemenza joked as he let out a massive fart which we could smell through the television. It smelt real bad like someone taking a dump in your toilet, and then eating it before making out with a smelly duck who runs the local Toilet Gang, but keeps it to himself. He would only confess his leadership while his lover had his way with a handsome priest. Bear was then forced to mow Vito's garden, and when he was finally done he was then forced to make Vito and his family dinner. While cooking the dinner, Bear coughed violently into Vito's pasta. An angry Sonny Corleone came in, and yelled, "trying to get my father sick ay? Well it ain't gonna work!" "No it's not what you think!" Bear said as he coughed into Sonny's face causing him to die instantly. Clemenza and Salvatore Tessio then came in, and told Bear to "fuck off and never return." Bear was relieved because he could finally go home, and take a dump as Tutter had spiked his glass of water with laxatives. You see Tutter had secretly been conspiring against Bear by forming an association with the rival Tattaglia Family from Brooklyn which is why Vito had Clemenza kill him. Bear got into a taxi which would be taking him home, and turned around to see Pip sitting in the backseat. "Hello sexy." Pio said as Pop threw a garrote around Bear's neck. Bear's body leaped into the air, and his legs burst through the windshield. Bear's sphincter then opened, and the car was filled with a foul odur. Once Pop was sure that Bear was dead, he rolled the window down to let the stink out. It then showed a time card which read "eight years later," which was read by the French Narrator from SpongeBob for some reason. It showed that the big blue house had been taken over by Pip and Pop who had converted the house into a massive casino, and nightclub. Luna The Moon had stopped showing up at the house all together as did Ray The Sun and Shadow the... well shadow. It was shown via flashback that Pip and Pop had been confronted by Ojo over their involvement in Bear's death. They had denied any involvement. Ojo was later assassinated by the Men of the Cloth for having an affair with Tom Hagen's neighbour's brother's girlfriend's sister's friend's cousin's lover's turtle. Bear had been given a proper and respectable burial. He had been buried behind the hills of Yorkshire where Anti-Pesto once hid many years ago. Sometimes, Trelo would visit the grave, and light a candle for Bear. He would then head down to the local church, and pray. He would pray for the souls of Pip and Pop. Pip and Pop meanwhile completely took over the United States and surrounding areas, and drowned the streets with their horrible rap music. The episode then ended with the normal credits, and I looked over at Johnny who looked ill like seriously ill. As if he eaten a bad hamburger or something. Then with out warning without even a tip of a hat, Johnny pooped out his intestines. He fell to the floor, and crawled around like a little dog on crack. One hour later, Johnny was picked up by an ambulance, and was taken away to the hospital. "So he's gonna be alright then Doc?" Dwyer had asked a doctor who looked like he was in his late forties. "Nah mate he's dead. I mean he crapped out his intestines. There ain't no coming back after that." The doctor explained. "Did somebody say penis?" A voice asked as Bear appeared in my living room. "Bear!? What are you doing here!?" I asked in utter confusion and disbelief. "I'm here to get my revenge on that old bastard Don Corleone." Bear said as he ate Dwyer and the doctor. "Not this time Bear." I said as I tried to tackle Bear, but he was far too strong for me. Suddenly, a loud gun shot was heard, and the bullet struck Bear in his heart causing him to fall to the floor dead. He hit the ground with so much force that he fell through the floorboards, and all the way to the fires of Hell itself. I looked at the person who had fired the shot, and saw that it was Tennant James. "Oh James thank you thank you!" I said as I made my way over to James to give him a hug. "Don't do it Dorium!" Claude had cried, but before I ask what the matter was I turned to see James removing his skin. His skin dropped to the floor, and a large green alien stood on top of it. "I am Joaxer Fel-Fotch Passameer Day Slitheen." 'James' said. "What have you done to James!?" I asked in utter fear and confusion. Claude sighed, and explained, "he's a member of the Slitheen Family a criminal alien family from a planet far away. They wear the skin of people they've killed in order to disguise themselves. And unfortunately this particular Slitheen chose to pick Tennant as his choice for a skin suit." He then finished with, "which means he has control of the RAF, and he has connections to the prime minister, and the British Military." "And now it's time for me to kill you two." Joaxer said as he made his way towards me and Claude. Suddenly, a large SUV broke through the walls of the house, and picked us up. Before Joaxer could even register what had happened we were already down the road. "Thank you!" I proclaimed happily, and the driver finally revealed themselves. It was none other than The Shadow Lioness herself. "No problem matey boy." Lioness said happily. "Shadow Lioness?" I asked in confusion, and Lioness replied, "yep and we've got loads of work to do." I relaxed back into the seat of the SUV. That's all I could really do. Lioness took the highway going west, and made her way out of London all the way over to Croydon. Once they reached Croydon, Lioness opened the door for me and Claude. We made our way inside a small house located in a small quiet area of the town. We entered the living room to see The Shadow Reader and Matthew Williams writing on a piece of yellow paper. "Ah good you found them Lioness: I'll make us some cups of tea." Shadow said as he made his way into the kitchen. "What's going on here?" I asked before continuing with, "I've got work in the morning!" "Oh be quiet you silly goose. Say Matthew where's Lazarus and the others?" Shadow Lioness asked as she made herself comfy on a chair in the far side of the living room. "Lazarus is in town getting us some food, Sam and Max are trying their best to keep their jobs with all the problems Rabe is causing them, but we've got more important problems now. General Asquith is dead. Rabe had him assassinated by a member of the Slitheen Family so he could take over the British Military." "You sure?" Shadow Lioness asked. "Yep looks like you were right Lioness. Rabe has got the Slitheen Family on his side along with Johnny's Gang and the entirety of Great Britain and the British Military under his command." Matthew explained. While Matthew had been speaking, I made my way over to the coffee table to see what Shadow and Matthew had been writing on that piece of paper. It was a list of 10 names. The first five on the list was Rabe Maniels, Victor Kennedy, Johnny Buggerton, Vito Corleone, and Granny Dryden. It struck me with full force that we had interrupted Shadow and Matthew as they were making the list of people to be executed. Shadow finally returned to the living room placing the cups of tea on top of the coffee table covering the piece of paper. Shadow placed his fedora proudly upon his head, and sat down on the chair across from Lioness. "Now what shall we talk about?" Shadow asked. "Have we got enough people yet?" Lioness asked. "No Lioness we still need a few more people to join our crew before we can even think of taking on Rabe Maniels and his gang." Shadow said as he took a sip from his cup of tea. As he sipped his tea, the day's events played over in my head. In the morning, I'll call Goggins to explain the situation, and why I won't be in work tomorrow, and why I won't be work for a good few days or weeks heck even months at this rate. One of my best friends was dead now, and an alien was using his skin as a disguise. I just hope Goggins will be okay, and will be able to defend herself against Dryden and her troops who will no doubt incorrectly assume that I had been responsible for the deaths of Johnny and Dwyer. Category:Bruno Tattagllia